and it's over.

One more sober mile stone. It can be done. 

The festive season was something I was dreading with all of my being. I was terrified I wouldn't make it through clean and sober. In reality I feel like it's made me stronger. Made me heal that little bit more. Helped me put together a few more of the pieces of myself that I lost. With the help of my small army of loved ones, I made it through. 

Over Christmas I locked the doors of my family home and only snuck out to see some fierce and loyal friends when things weren’t too dark. My family once again stood guard around me when I dipped further into that bone aching fog of depression. They dragged me out of it by never leaving my side. Christmas day; calm arrived just in time. We ate too much food and watched shit TV, in perfect tradition. And when that beast addiction tapping at the back of my skull became too fucking loud I reached out to the people around me and of course they were, as always, ready to fight. I am forever thankful. 

For once, on New Years Eve I wasn't a teeth grinding, staggering, mess. I didn't wake up on the very first day of the year with black ink in my brain rather than memories, a nose full of chalky cocaine, or a sadness clutching my shoulders, digging it's claws into my neck. Instead, I waved good bye to 2015 with the biggest smile. With tummy turning happiness, surrounded by friends who never left my side. I held up my middle finger to last year. And oh so gladly waved it the fuck good bye. I had a well and truly wonderful night and woke up with memories to remember. So I enter this year feeling hopeful. Feeling ready to move on. Ready for an adventure. And I can’t bloody wait. 

oh dear I think that Christmas cheer and sh*t went and got me.

 It is the time of year when eating and drinking your body weight in junk food and alcohol is totally acceptable. Which is wonderful for a lot of you out there. But for us addicts in recovery we are faced with another challenge; getting through the festive days with no booze. Smiling through those uncomfortable 'what are you doing with your life?' conversations. Chewing down Brussels sprouts without indulging in our favorite Christmas tipple. No bucks fizz at breakfast. No cold lager cheers. And oh how I miss it.

But. And it's a big fat BUT, this year I started healing (as some of you know, sorry I must sound like a broken record!) I started learning how to live a life without my bastard black dog being in control. This Christmas I have something to be well and truly happy about. So I can focus not on intoxication this year but on no longer living with that tricky prick regret. Despite recovery being bloody difficult I am finally getting better and learning how to be happy and live a life knowing that happiness is a possibility for me. And maybe that's what this time of year should really be about. Despite it being sickeningly sentimental, maybe Christmas is a time to be reflective and remember that we are loved. A time to surround ourselves with the people we love. Humans, are of course, undoubtedly barmy; bringing trees in houses, and being happy that some lady had a baby some 2015 years ago, are a few of our milder insults to logic. But we do give ourselves these couple of days. Just to be with each other. In our own little ways. So this year that's what I am going to make Christmas about. Or at least I'm going to try.

So Merry Christmas. One and all. And a shout out to those who (like me) are about to embark on their very first sober Christmas. We can do it.