five.

As the days turn into weeks and tumble into months. The person I once was moves further and further away. The person that had only one thing on their mind. I have waved good bye. And the person I’m becoming is turning scars into thicker skin. I want to say that it gets easier. That it stops being so hard. Maybe in some ways it does. In some ways I learn a little more each day about how to live in recovery. 

It would be a lie to say 'I don't miss it'. Because I do. I write excuses in my brain. Wait for a bad day to push the 'fuck it' button. It's a little like there's a conflict in my mind. Between the old me and the new. But for the last five months the new me has been winning and I hope it will continue to. I don't ever what to let her lose. 

But the waves of aches and pains that once drove me to put chemicals in my brain still arrive in tidal storm. The crave is sketched so deep into my bones that I don’t think it will ever leave. It pulls me out when I’m in peace. When the cravings click their ugly battle cries I shut my eyes. I remember that I almost died. I silence the lies that whisper in my mind 'you need this.' Because the life I have now I am living, and I am loving.

Five months and I am okay. And I’d like to thank you all for every inch of your love and support.